How to find a reason to live again.

Every penny count? You've heard that, the repeating nonsense you hear that means nothing can mean something if you can fix it to be. Cold water...

I shower with hot water or at least as hot as I can force the shower to be.

The best example I have... don't.

At some point if you turn it on for a second it is something new.

You'll realize it.

Maybe just run your head through it for a moment then take a hot shower like normally... either way it was something new... I also hesitate to get into the cold water.

Doing something new even for a moment will inspire a part of you that because you are still here to do other small things which will bring you to wanting to do something that is a bigger idea of what you want to do.

"I don't like onions" Okay, so eat a small piece of onion.

"I don't like bananas" Okay, so take a banana outside and stomp on it.

"I don't like drinking... but I can't stop drinking."

Even if you have never mixed a drink before, put some juice in your beer, hell, put a cherry in it or a vegetable, put a piece of candy in it... you'll figure something out to eventually it won't be that...

You'll want to try something like taking half the beer, mixing it with something else and then you get to taste something new... because you can only afford the light stuff anyway or the other stuff doesn't taste like piss it taste like liquidized shit that is disguised as piss. You want piss so make it taste like something else. I explained this horrendously because I am pissed. At many things–the...

The... idea... you'll want to eventually mix drinks and not just put candy or a little juice in it. You'll get tech with it and be able to impress your lady friend with it.

You try the onion... this taste awful but maybe eventually try a piece of something everyday to an extent and you'll want to learn to cook. This is how my recipes on the excruciare page were figured and they are all delicious. They do not take much effort at all.

I'm listening to Traverse Town and recall... things... can you?

Before I mentioned that?

Stomping on the banana, maybe it heals you, maybe it kills you a little you wasted food, maybe you find out it give nutrients to the ground, maybe you find you like to smash pumpkins.

You're going to figure it out.

Do something–just a little... something new, it can be for a moment.

Even if it's just to notice. It doesn't have to be talking to people. It can be taking what you have around you and doing something expected or unexpected.

It will add up.

It will add up and somehow every one of those moments of even thinking for that moment even if you believe its not true–that it is art. That those moments are art and you get to see yourself as that art... suffering as you already are to potentially find freedom where freedom doesn't exist.

The acknowledgement of those moments, even if subconscious to you and seeming stupid to you; it's there.

I HATE when I feel that way and have felt worse and if I get somewhere I would still hope to feel that way myself because others are suffering.

That is me however...

You should notice it... there is a moment there where the reason is looking right at you.

Is it the second you grab the onion or bite it? When you taste it or feel it hurts your stomach? 5 hours later when you feel "If I didn't do that I wouldn't have had a day day!"

I think that way. You'll think some other way.

It's there... I want you to see it.

I imagine stomping on an orange myself, and to my sight; when I notice, I was able to stomp on this orange or I was able to eat a piece of this orange, I was able to see this orange as the concept of the entire world and what ever I do with it–this is the world I live in and I feel like garbage but I feel like garbage because of things I had no control over and because I hate the people who came before me because they didn't teach me I was allowed to eat a little of the orange or stomp on it or throw it or play baseball with it or eat it like an apple or whatever I want!

You can't do this,

I don't believe in you

and

You deserve to die.

That's how I feel about myself as well.

PLEASE... do something new even if it's not much.

I care! Bye for now...