Mazzy Star, Fade into something else.

Fade into you – Mazzy star

That one lyrics...

Yesterday I heard a girl that reminds me of someone play this on her live stream.

About 10 minutes after a different girl.

It reminded me of the first time I heard this song at a pavilion I spent most my teen years at trying to have fun when I didn't really know anything about life or existing.

I liked the song for a moment but it reminds me of homelessness and the girl playing it recently was a girl that reminds me of a girl and in many ways she is that girl because I can see the attributes of what her origin is within her apart from genes and apart from influence of the world.

The girl shortly afterwards sang a bit of the lyrics and had me to look it but again.

Thanks Ashley, I would you God if I cared so much.

^

This is about this.

Yet the first day, it was about looking to love someone or searching for the person you love because you couldn't tell them or know where they were or you're not allowed to just show up to someones work or house like in before phones and computers were a thing being able to achillies your heart or transatlantic use your brain as a shield to say "Hey, you're swell!" or "For you, I would die."

THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT...

^^

This is about Ashley.

Well... not in herself but what I understood from the lyrics she sang.

"I look to you and I see nothing"

I'm dealing with a lot and you'll hear everyone say something about dealing with a lot.

This sentence, anyone could've wrote it...

"I look to you to see the truth"

Not... only is there nothing there in the least cliche way, it's not understood unless you loved without knowing why and then knowing why then trying again just to know why and still not know why but still trying hard to want to love but it's not there anymore.

It's there but–not like it used to be. It's not there if I know it's there. Impossibilities...

Do you believe?

Fade into you

Strange you never knew

Fade into you

"I think it's strange you never knew"

Can you imagine realizing that the girl you are in a relationship with never sees you but only the truth... not you as the truth or extension of... but they want GOD and because they don't have the perfect thing they know stories but always need to settle... YOU don't like that I just said that; because I do not like that idea either.

That makes me sad to think.

This is how I- - - am kind of built now that I've gone through so much yet THIS, THIS is NOT about ME an this moment.

I look at you and I see nothing (Because I look to you to see what the truth is saying through you so I can hopefully get to a better place.)

Strange you never knew (I'll say I fade into you but "you" at it's ultimate understanding is that "you" is anyone and not anyone but the thing that had you to even be a thing we say, not the person... the origin of things of where a person would want to be.

I think it's strange you never knew... Imagine and I say this because I no longer with to trust someone or anyone. It's been this way for a while–

If I were in a relationship being my best and I wasn't God or I wasn't able to treat her as perfectly as I want because no one is allowed to be fully 100% themselves here having to hide things from each other unintentionally or to preserve feelings, even not share kinks or bad memories, or the deepest thought of killing or if it were allowed I would BLANK.

I'm scared to be in a relationship, I don't even want to touch someone else or have someone else touch me wether innocent or not because of how I feel it's a lie, even if its not... because IF I AM NOT GOD... they want to see GOD... they don't want to see me unless I have some sort of status, like money or I have something like a house and if not that my personality– I have to match them completely but a single ick and it snowballs.

Wanted to add like 3 things but they're not letting me be fully honest with you; for example.

What if I could come here and say BLANK and BLANK and ALSO BLANK?

Would you respect me more and see me as more honest or begin to thing that is what I do, if I do and have good things to say am I a bad person? Am I a good person because I said something honestly? I say something only a demon or a god would say being a human, let us go with, and what would you think if I am being honest?

You say you love your partner but you also hate their sighs.

You hate the way they breathe too loud.

You hate when they chew.

You hate the little things even if you say you like it because it is those imperfections your mind does not allow you to notice to continue in living as the human society you're accustomed.

In reality if someone chewed perfectly or breathed perfectly or looked at you perfectly...

You would notice every single moment...

There is not a single moment that you would be unrealized to them

because you see them as the thing that you strived for...

How much are you paying attention when in conversation with the person you love or claim to love to which I only say claim?

Do you listen to their words and look into their eyes?

Do you listen kinda but look at how they are dressed?

Do you hold yourself best you can, look not only at their eyes but their eyes fully as well and what they are wearing, how it fits them, the scenery of everything there to know it is a moment in time that you can live and love and work to be as perfect as possible for each other and yet you didn't realize while they were talking... they were breathing the whole time...

How much do you love a work of art or nature when you gander?

How many leaves do you see? When you leave what do you see?

Did you notice when you turned around? Not the turn but the unnoticed things when there is a blur?

No, you don't and if you did you are lying. If you ever have you are lying because I would be lying if I said I did because I am training by myself to figure out how to pay attention to every single moment.

Breath manually. Now.

You'll notice stillness.

What moves?

If nothing moves, something still moved.

Be as stupid and as smart. What fucking moved?

I'm asking.

Are you watching the dust float around?

Is that perfect or imperfection?

-----

The idea... she's not paying attention to you...

She's trying to see GOD... not you...

If I were GOD walking this earth and the thing or a few things or a girl or whatever couldn't see it was me... that would make me feel terrible...

You're looking for GOD and I am right here ready to love you as fully and openly an richly as my heart can be poetic.

You... don't seem ready and when I talk to you it seems that way too, because I studder.

My stutter is not my stutter. It is yours.

I know it to be true when I could say anything and if I do be comfortable but still feel the heat or cold based on how much work you've done on yourself to pull me close or push me away.

I am not the one that stutters.

You don't know you hate yourself.

You don't know you love something more than what you love.

and

You don't know.

It feels like you're ready but you aren't.

I am, I was and now I want nothing and you're less than that.

I hope when I get to heaven none of you are there.

Thanks.

For nothing.

I hope you understand. Bye forever! (Sanity.)