There is nothing to die for thus there is only to live and that is not fair.

Now that there is nothing to die for, because you can't just carry around a cross and die..

You have to live. You have to learn how to live and that is more difficult than dying. 

 <it's harder to stay good in here than it is to starve and die>

[ND iI L}

Arresting someone for cp they find or beast is like arresting someone for being addicted to drugs. You're supposed to get the person distributing the drugs and making the drugs. In this case filming the cp or beast and sending it out. Being alone with it is just being sadly, addicted to it. There is no fault except to the extension of body one could relay as a system to have someone intentionally or unintentionally gander upon the person seeking a lower human form of love instead of being given a love to what may seem as simple care not the idea of forced enclosure.

{is it possible to care to the fullest that you can get them off the drug accurately or are people just judging and throwing into confinements to have them solve their own problem which is also problem of judge not hearing the person for what in their lives is screwy as well because the talk is uncomfortable.]

I also have something to walk across a field of bullets, but it's not peace; it's my story.

I don't want to tell any of it but I hope when and if I ever get opportunities too, that I am able too without holding anything back and as sincere as I can.

It never goes that way though.

It's brave to say the truth even if you look dirty or people think you're dirty on the inside because at least you can drink our of yourself.

Will I then be a hero, if I say something to a kid that will help them break a bad habit or realize something before a habit begins.

Tell me someone will notice my story not as a man but as a man that has god living inside of him.

Not before being saved, or a baptism or running the other direction but just as I was before I existed on this earth to being on the earth and trying to figure out how to be more of myself than everyone else.

Tell me someone noticed that something I said had God in it.

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If there was a way to know how to die for the thing you cared about;

would you go or hope somehow it changes?

The best example is the story of before or didn't exist or did to me or did to them, or we're all just making whatever up so we feel good–are you going?

It's easy to say yes or no then the moment comes and we are in position where it is less dangerous to run towards the explosion than to run away from it.

If today because there was a way somehow a long time ago,

whatever taking up your cross and walking meant;

are you?

I like to believe I'd grab the cross if no one else did.

If someone grabs it, are you grabbing one too?

I like to believe so badly I'm someone who would.

That's pretty scary to think right?

You can just be weak and want to do something strong.

You can also look very strong and look weak.

On how someone or something would be killed, if you had story and someone remembers you are a hero, if you have a story and no one remembers you're an embarrassment to yourself because you died without a cause and those cause, in cause or caused could feel the same way but for lack of embarrassment, I think I'd rather look like a hero than stepping onto the battlefield and being the first of trained men to have my jaw ripped off by a blunt object and dying right there slowly, in pain, with as everyone else is fighting.

Some will become heroes and some will become food for the earth weather blood corrupted or nott, ruined even soiled. Er, celebrate victory and did we actually win even in victory?

Am I willing to be the first person to be slaughtered?

Am I willing to put myself and say, GOD or a Woman, a child, SOMETHING I care about needs me to die for it and I will.

[Hopefully I don't think it's a trick just to get me out of the picture hahahaha..!]

We like to think we could be heroes, I don't know what that means sometimes and sometimes I do.

No one will listen to my orders even if I was the one with the turning tide because no one is going to trust someone who looks like me or acts the way I do or doesn't act and tries to be genuine and that is why I appear as an act.

I want to be strong enough to be

the person

who if GOD somehow existed or does exist and I knew I had choice

that I would go.

I sometimes like to believe I've made movements where I could say to myself I moved because of this same reason. Then there are times I feel like a loser because I'm not sure if it was fully me or not.

I know I care though, I know I cared and in a lot of ways I still care.

Whatever expression I have on my face or emotion I don't want to feel and every time I try to run away I care!

It knows and I don't want it to know because If I were it, I wouldn't care because in a lot of ways I don't care either.

I can't decide do I want things to live

Do I want things to die.

Am I speaking too much?

The reason I said this was because

I don't want to live, I want to die but I do not want to die because I want to die, I want to die because I want to live.

You can't pull a Jesus and sacrifice, you can't pull a Rama and kill a demon, you can't pull a George Washington and you'll never be able to tell someone that you don't want to die but you don't want to live if there feels no reason to die.

Thats complicated.

Not really...

A reason to live?

That is a reason to die?

A reason to live

is also

A reason to live.

As... a reason to want to die.

I can dedicate myself to an instrument or software and become really good at music to TRY and make something that only happens to lucky people happen.

or

I can go to school and become "something." that isn't actually anything in the eyes of someone that wanted to do music.

or

I can work a low paying job my whole life,

I can be on disability

I can also maybe somehow figure out how to get my company out there or idea's or someone to take note as a small team to work on my idea's and say, hey lets work together and once we start getting paid, lets succeed, remember, and move forward in whatever we decide to do as individuals once we get to fly free because I would like to eat expensive food and make sure other people who couldn't buy expensive food buy it and somehow, that'll make it so we find out how everyone can have this food and make better food and make stuff more manageable.

and–

and!

and...

I have a lot of ideas!

It's hard to die when you're not allowed to die the way you want.

It's hard to die when you're not brave enough

and

It's always there.

Watching, waiting for us to figure out how to live.

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Even if sometimes I talk and act like a robot.

–Because it's too painful to admit that all the things I cared about hurt me