Do you feel like a kid again?

The moment, did it make you smile?

Did the smile last long enough for you to not notice you smiled?

To not noticed it was orangized?

–And not notice you were happy for a moment just for yourself to take it away?

I like to think so.

I always notice.

Now...

I always notice.

and now,

I'm afraid of what happiness means if it makes other people sad.

If I'm sad too and am happy in those moments... I'm not really happy.

I'm fooling myself.

It's not my brain or a spirit or a god or a devil. It's nothing. It's something. It's neither.

Whatever it is,

I want to kill it.

I don't want to kill it. I want it to live forever.

I don't want either of those things.

I want...

I don't know anymore.

I don't want to be a kid but I don't want to be an adult.

This world could've been beautiful and everyday I wake up and it isn't.

I'll either feel like shit and frown or feel like shit and try to smile even if I just lied to you.

I hate smoking and drinking.

I hate drinking water and eating vegetables.

I want to eat expensive meat and have sex with pretty girls.

I didn't get to live that when I was young and dumb and could've gone on dates and I didn't.

I was afraid of pretty girls and worried about the future of how I would obtain such expensive meats and still live in a decent house near the beach or on a mountain top or wherever it made me feel home was there.

Now I have to focus really hard on seeing my own face when not looking in a mirror because everyone just sees me as a reflection of them.

I'm not them. These people are gross...

Home isn't where they say if you are not fully satisfied and if fully satisfied do you question if it is home or not–or do you have sex with pretty girls and eat expensive meat all day?

I hate music.

I just want to yell at the world till it fixes itself but there are no crosses.

If you–

If you knew

Something...

To what effort would you go to tell someone that thing if they would never know,

If you were the only one you trusted to relay the message–how far would you go?

|

Please tell me I would walk the entire walk no matter how painful the journey if all I got to say was that "I love you" I never got to say–and somehow you would believe it this time.||